Sample

“Ladies and gentlemen, please be aware that the next train arriving at platform three will only have room once fully vacated. Please mind the duck’s feet when entering the carriages.” Was the message that reverberated around the station as it was called out by the train announcer, who only managed to semi-choke once while fighting to keep a straight face. With a further short cough to clear their throat — the information broadcast continued.

“Kings Cross Station would like to announce the errm — train arriving at platform four from Rail Fantasia. It is a private charter, and tickets will only be available for cash transactions from the steam engine at the front end.”

The sound of a long and shrill steam whistle at the boundary of the station along with the thick black smoke spewing from the funnel of the leading vehicle, announced the arrival of Alan and his ever-growing fan club. The smell of hog roasts and stale burgers floated in close behind.

As the train pulled to a full stop, a mass exodus of women flew towards a nearby public convenience.

Alan raised his eyebrows, “Why do females react in this manner as soon as a toilet comes into view?”

Mason nudged Malik discreetly and turned towards Alan. “Well being a man, I’m not sure of the exact reason, but as rumour would have it — It’s because the toilet chain is too high…”

Malik tried to force his lips tighter — fighting back a smirk. He could see where this was going.

“Chain too high?” Questioned Alan, his eyebrows dancing up and down.

“Yes — I believe they all go as a pack, so they can stand on each other's shoulders to reach the chain — Makes sense really, I suppose?” Mason managed to keep a straight face for a few moments before a smile cracked at the edges of his mouth. Malik almost lost control as he let out a gigantic guffaw.

Alan merely shrugged his multiple shoulders in the equivalent of a Mexican wave, marched off back to the train and began talking to McTavish the Engineer.

After a second consultation with Starsky and Butch, Alan began walking back with some heavy-duty chains wrapped around his wrist.

Mason and Malik only managed to mime the words “oh OH,” as after realising what was going to happen next, they were now frozen with worry. Muscle control has been removed from their conscious activities, with the sight of Alan now heading for the ladies' public conveniences.

The sight of a chain laden alien plus another two hundred new female disciples trying to squeeze into an already full space was the final straw. It broke the paralysing spell that Mason and Malik imagined was holding them in place.

Malik reacted first and hurtled towards the jam-packed toilet entrance. Mason kept on his tail as they weaved like pro footballers, avoiding violent tackles. To be truthful, they were avoiding sharp elbows, swinging handbags and an occasional sharp comb, but hey — they are supposed to be heroes in this tale…

Like a circus act, Malik planted his feet and turned towards Mason with hands hooked together at waist height. 

Mason, recognising the tactical manoeuvres from crowd control training at the police college, jumped slightly whilst still running forward. He finished the activity by putting his right foot into the offered stirrup.

Malik leaned slightly backwards and hefted upwards with all his might. Mason, thinking he may as well play his part, pushed one arm forward. Hoping that anyone underneath his flying posture would think they had just witnessed Superman flying overhead — a skinny version, though…

The compressed bodies at the entrance stood stock still, transfixed watching Mason’s antics. His friend's flight gave Malik the chance to easily nudge the females aside, allowing him to stand beside his colleague in mere moments. They completed the trick once more, with Malik taking on flying duties instead.

This time it was the turn of both constables to freeze like a pair of icicles smothered in dry ice. Confronted with the sight of a moustached woman sat on Alan’s shoulder. While attaching a six foot length of chain to the ball cock in the overhead cistern  has recently been acknowledged as having this effect.

Malik  was the first to thaw from shock and whispered to Mason  in a concerned voice. “Those toilets work with an automatic valve don’t they. All you do is push a button or something?”

Mason simply nodded and Malik continued the one-sided conversation. “What the hell are Inspector Doreen Plummer and Alan actually doing then?”

He saw Alan raise a couple of hands, readying himself to make an announcement to the throng crammed inside the women's public conveniences. Doreen Plummer continued sitting on Alan's shoulders, preening herself after helping her hero complete a momentous task.

“Ladies and err,” Alan paused, looking at Inspector Plummer's shaven legs hanging round his chest. “Ladies,” he continued, attracting a wider than ever smile from the man / woman on his shoulders. “I suddenly realised after hearing of your daily dilemma — that in this constricted space, ladders wouldn’t have been a practical solution…”

Alan received a multitude of slightly puzzled looks, but returned to his ‘off the cuff’ speech anyway. “So my colleague here,” he pointed at Plummer, “Assisted and designed by me — have successfully modified these appliances so that a solitary person can manage to use any of the facilities.”

Once more a look of incredulity passed swiftly across the visages of his followers. But they were faithful to Alan and waited to witness what his alien mind had conceived exclusively for them, the females who would bend with his slightest whim.

Alan looked slowly round the room for someone special, and with a wide smile he indicated he had just found that person. “Gobzilla — just the person I was looking for. Would you mind demonstrating the Alan Patented ‘Pull my chain’ — ‘super-duper — pooper scooper souper’ accessory please?”

Gobzilla bobbed her head and stood waiting at his side in seconds. “I know it’s a bit of a mouthful, but actions reflect a thousand words I believe is the saying.” He turned innocently towards his assigned demonstrator and pronounced the magic words. “If you could please begin the demonstration — Bless you.”

Screams of “Dear God — No, and “Please make it stop.” Floated across the room from two of the suspected males in the room.

The trauma finally finished to Mason and Malik’s relief, Gobzilla tucked herself in and stood again with the rest of the surrounding women. The pair of Constables unrolled themselves from their foetal position on the floor and stood awaiting the rest of the demonstration.

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